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July 30

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Thu, 11 Aug 2016 03:32:07 +0000

This is my my last journal for this blog because this is not private anymore, Here's something I wrote when I was in the hospital.

I fucked everything up. I fucked up my job and I couldn't take it. I couldn't face my coworkers. I took NyQuil, Whisky and my anxiety meds and tried to overdose. I wasn't sure it would kill me, but I was confident it would knock me out. I went to the creek in the hopes that when I passed out I might drown, which is a death I romanticized some time ago. I couldn't drown myself and the cold water was keeping me up, so I walked back home and went to bed. This was the first time I felt a kind of regret in a suicide attempt, but it was already to late.I figured either it kills me in my sleep, or I would just sleep for a while, wake up, and everything would just go back to normal. Instead I ended up throwing up. And because of that, I got my brother involved in all of this. I wanted to keep this side of myself far away from him, but he had to call an ambulance because I tried to kill myself.

I also ruined my mom's vacation because now she'll be worried about me and blaming herself for not doing anything and leaving. And when I get back, she won't trust me with medicine or anything sharp. And my extended family also knows about this, going back home is going to be very different.

On top of that,I still don't know how to handle my job. I can't work there, but I can't quit. And I don't want my mom to have to support me all my life, but I can't function in society.

It would have better off if I died. Life is going to be so different now and I'm dragging everyone through this again.

I guess I could add to that thy my mother now thinks i'm gay, and then change that to she figured out I wish I was a girl. Wish I actually had the strength to drown myself or buy a gun, but instead I'm still here, dealing with the same shit, with a whole lot more eyes on me.

Well Goodbye forever. Not because, as I planned, I killed myself, but because I'm shutting down this blog.

July 29

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 04:04:14 +0000

I wish i wasn't too scared to do this. I walked out to the creek to fie, but not to where I wanted. It's too dark and I don't have shoes so I went to only the first spot. Now I'm just waiting here regretting everything and waiting for the drugs to kick in and me to pass out. I'm not sure I had enough to kill me, so hopefully I fall in and drown.

July 28

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 03:26:45 +0000

I fucked everything up. I can't do it. I can't support myself. I can't function in society. Hopefully I can kill myself this time though. I still don't have the confidence to buy a gun, but hopefully I can overdoes or drown or something.

June 22

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Wed, 22 Jun 2016 06:46:31 +0000

Have you ever been associated with a product due to an offhand remark or use of it so that that people assume you love it and give you more? It's happened to me a couple times, including this birthday, which is why I'm thinking of it.

The first and most infuriating time was when I was young and trying out soaps to find out one I like. I tried some Axe at one point, and it was horrible. I didn't want to waste it, so I decided to use it till it's out, and my family assumed that I was in love with Axe. My Grandparents got me this beauty basket filled with a bunch of Axe deodorants sprays and soaps. I had to explain to them that I only used Axe because It was what I had, I hated how it smelled and felt and looked. (Seriously, their soaps freak me out)

About two years ago my father attempted to change and for once actually listened to me. Of course, he didn't listen to me before than, so all the info about me before then he missed. And when we stayed over, and I wasn't able to get out of it feigning sickness, I avoided him, so he didn't get much info about me. I love the Cello and still do, but quit because my teacher was really mean. I then went to try my other dream, the flute. Apparently my mouth was too big, and the blah blah blah, we do stupid things to get with our crushes, and I went to play trombone. I fucking hated it and quit. My tertiary musical interest was guitar, but they didn't teach that at school. My dad only caught the last part, so my Christmas gift was a starter Guitar. At least it was something I had some interest in, and at least my dad listened for once. If only he changed more.

My mom went on vacation and got me a bracelet as a souvenir. I wore it pretty much everyday because I'm sentimental and a mama's boy. So now my mom assumes I love bracelets, and gave me one for my birthday. It's pretty nice, but kinda feminine so I won't wear it in public.

I don't really know the point of all this, or how I should feel. I guess it's the thought that counts, but it kinda sucks when everyone pretend to cares bout you and know you for a day and fail so miserably. I don't mind if all I am to someone is some useless superficial fact, but I just wish it was at least the right one. I hate holidays because of this.

June 16

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Thu, 16 Jun 2016 20:14:12 +0000

Americans have this thing where we take some part of our heritage and act like it defines us and separates us from other Americans, when it has no influence on us. I fell into that with my German heritage. I hate pretty much everything about myself. I hate being black, so I identified with my mother being German than me being black. I was never really that connected with Germany, the most I was is that my mom would occasionally make spaetzle and we learned Aufhören when she got pissed at us. But I still tried my hardest to take in German Culture. I Tried learning German, and was horrible at it. I was given an opportunity to visit Germany through People 2 People, but my father is an asshole and wouldn't let me go. That's another even longer story, but basically that crushed my dreams of "being German." Then I grew up and realized I am who I am, even if I hated it.

And that is why my name is temporarily "The Fake German." This happened a couple years ago, I'm just bringing back something old for my Birthday.

June 15

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Thu, 16 Jun 2016 04:09:02 +0000

I hate myself and everything about me and every decision I've made. I graduated. I shouldn't have. I failed almost every elective I took and English twice. It should've been three times, but because of my special education plan they took off all the work I didn't do and passed me. They even gave me the advanced diploma by "catering my education towards me." I chose this over Mountainview and I regret it so much.

I'm worth nothing and can't do anything and know no one. I somehow have to live a good life society. I can't. I just want to die. I just want to be happy, but I'm to much of a pussy to kill myself. I just want it to stop.

June 6

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Mon, 06 Jun 2016 22:07:42 +0000

I'm about to graduate, though I'm not sure I want to. It would make my mom happy and be proof that I am not a complete failure before I go, but on another standard it would mean I'm a complete decision. For the most part I know what I want, I'm just unable to make decisions for myself to get it. I'm scared of everything. I can't do what I want because of it, and I can barely do what I need to. I don't even wear the clothes I like because I'm too scared of what people will say about it.

I want to do something bad, something you're not supposed too. But I've never did drugs, skipped school or had sex because I'm too scared. These are some of the experiences in life I wanted. I haven't got them, or any alternatives. I don't have any friends and I'm too scared to do anything but stay isolated in my room. All I have to look back on is my life is slowly failing everything I loved or took pride in because I'm incompetent. If I failed I could finally prove to myself I'm not too much of a pussy to make a bad decision.

In the end, my thoughts on graduating don't really matter. I'll be disappointed anyway. If I fail, it'll be because of ineptitude, not a choice. If I pass, I'll make my mom happy, and then she'll have to support the worthless skittish introvert because I can't support myself. I don't even have a plan for the future. I can't do of the things I want to do, as a hobby or a career. I can't write unless it's about myself, which I hate doing and nobody want to read, I can't draw or edit, and I'm musically untalented. I can't speak German, and my English almost as bad, especially in speech. Math and Programming were the two things I thought I was decent enough at to possibly make a career out of, but I was obviously wrong about that.

I suppose it doesn't really matter, I never planned to live long enough to even have one of those careers. I had stopped making plans because everyone was squashed by my lack of ability, my father or my counselor. The only thing I planned was to buy a gun when I was 18 so I could finally kill myself. It's the thing I want most, (at least that's attainable) however I'm too much of a pussy to do it. I know a gun is about the only way I could make myself, or at least was. It's still my best option, but I'm sure I'll pussy out of that too. I can't imagine I could make it through the interaction of buying the gun.

May 3

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Tue, 03 May 2016 12:41:16 +0000

Yesterday I got my graduation announcements. I didn't care about them, but my mom was excited. I don't even know if I will graduate. I don't care if I do and I think I kinda don't want to. I'm trying to though, for my mom and to prove that I'm not a complete failure until I go.

March 21

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Tue, 22 Mar 2016 03:17:10 +0000

I had a bad dream. Not a nightmare, just a bad dream. I got engaged and had a sort of party to celebrate. Everyone was a sort of asshole while I was making food. They made me throw something away and ate it all while I was doing so. Some other guy came over and told me that I had to eat or was gonna get some illness. Fiance didn't even notice. I felt bad that my fiance didn't notice and went upstairs to sulk. Then someone started the bathwater from upstairs. I assumed fiance finally notice and took a bath. It actually was that other guy. He was right though and i got that illness from starvation and dehydration and passed out. Apparently I had to be hospitalized. I was never going to marry my fiance because he didn't notice me so I decided to break it off then so he wouldn't waste so much on wedding planning. As I told him I was breaking up, he told me he was sorry for cheating the night I got hospitalized.

March 16

Happiness is a drunken Lie — Thu, 17 Mar 2016 00:41:26 +0000

Every time I actually be myself and have fun I get really self conscious and start hating myself even more.