TOTAL WAR: PHARAOH – DYNASTIES
a.k.a. “WHO ASKED FOR THIS ♥♥♥♥?”

Ohhh GREAT. Total War: PHARAOH – DYNASTIES.
Because when I think “epic historical warfare,” I think of sand, sand, more sand, and guys named Amenhotep tripping over each other with sticks.

This game is like Creative Assembly looked at their burning dumpster fire of a reputation and said:

“You know what this needs? A DLC that feels like the base game wearing a fake mustache.”

THE SETTING:

You’re in the Bronze Age Collapse, which is historian talk for

“Everyone’s ♥♥♥♥♥♥, nobody knows why, and everything sucks.”

There are no iconic units, no variety, no “♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥” moments.
It’s just spearmen, spearmen, slightly angrier spearmen, and—oh wow—
SPEARMEN WITH HATS.

That’s not unit diversity. That’s a costume change at Spirit Halloween.

THE GAMEPLAY:

This is Total War if you removed all the fun and replaced it with accounting homework.

You don’t conquer empires—you micromanage grain like a stressed-out Costco manager in 1200 BC.

“Oh no! My dynasty legitimacy is down 2% because my cousin sneezed wrong!”
WHO CARES?!
I’m trying to WAGE WAR, not host a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ family reunion simulator.

Every mechanic feels like it exists to:

Slow you down

Confuse you

Make you ask “why the ♥♥♥♥ is this even here?”

DYNASTIES MODE:

They hype this like it’s some revolutionary new feature.

What is it REALLY?

A menu with extra buttons.

That’s it.
That’s the feature.

You’re juggling heirs, bloodlines, marriages—
but none of it feels impactful. It’s like Crusader Kings if you removed all the personality and replaced it with beige wallpaper.

I’ve seen more excitement in a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet with conditional formatting.

THE MAP:

It’s HUGE.
And EMPTY.
Like a desert-themed parking lot.

You march armies across miles of nothing just to fight the same copy-paste army you fought TEN TURNS AGO.

No epic landmarks.
No famous cities that make you go “oh ♥♥♥♥!”
Just Mudhut #47 and Sandy Asscrack Province.

THE AI:

The AI is dumber than a sack of bricks left out in the sun for 3,000 years.

They:

Declare war for no reason

Break treaties immediately

Suicide their armies

Then act shocked when you annihilate them

It’s like playing chess against a pigeon that ♥♥♥♥♥ on the board and flies away.

PERFORMANCE & POLISH:

This game runs like it’s powered by two hamsters and a candle.

Menus lag.
Battles stutter.
Animations look stiff as embalmed corpses—which I guess is thematically accurate, but still SUCKS.

And the UI?
Good GOD.

Icons on top of icons on top of icons.
I need a Rosetta Stone just to understand what the ♥♥♥♥ half the symbols mean.

THE BIGGEST SIN:

This doesn’t feel like a Total War game.

It feels like:

A side project

A tech demo

A “please buy this so we can keep the lights on” release

No soul.
No passion.
No “one more turn” energy.

Just one more sigh.

FINAL VERDICT:

Total War: PHARAOH – DYNASTIES is:

Too boring to be epic

Too complex to be fun

Too shallow to be strategic

It’s like they took Total War, buried it in sand, pissed on it, and called it “historical authenticity.”

I’d rather:

Fight Rome for the 900th time

Play Medieval II on a toaster

Or bash my head into a pyramid

Than spend another hour with this dry, lifeless, sand-choked piece of ♥♥♥♥.

This game didn’t collapse because of the Bronze Age.
It collapsed because it’s BORING AS ♥♥♥♥.

Now excuse me while I go cleanse my brain with a real Total War game before I start worshipping the sun out of sheer despair.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
COMPANY OF HEROES 3.
The long-awaited sequel that proves waiting longer does NOT mean waiting better.

This game didn’t come out half-baked.
It came out MICROWAVED.

FIRST IMPRESSION: “IS THIS EARLY ACCESS?”

You boot it up expecting:

“Next-gen RTS. The triumphant return.”

What you get feels like:

A beta

With placeholder UI

And graphics that somehow look WORSE than COH2

I genuinely checked the menu to see if I accidentally launched a test branch.

Nope.
That’s the full release.

VISUALS & PRESENTATION

How does a 2023 RTS look like it was released in 2014?

Flat lighting

Plastic units

Explosions with no weight

Animations that feel floaty

Company of Heroes used to be about:

Impact. Chaos. Destruction.

COH3 looks like toy soldiers politely falling over.

THE CAMPAIGNS: TWO MODES, ZERO POLISH

They bragged about TWO CAMPAIGNS like it was revolutionary.

Italian Campaign

Supposed to be a strategic layer masterpiece.

Instead it’s:

Boring

Empty

Slow

The overworld map feels like a mobile game without the energy.

You’re shuffling units around a lifeless board just to load into battles that feel disconnected and weightless.

North Africa Campaign

Short.
Scripted.
Forgettable.

It exists purely so they could say:

“Look, we did two!”

GAMEPLAY: COH BUT BLAND

The core gameplay is still… fine.

And that’s the problem.

It doesn’t evolve.
It doesn’t innovate.
It barely even polishes.

Abilities feel underwhelming.
Units lack personality.
Combat lacks the brutal punch that defined earlier games.

This is Company of Heroes with all the edges sanded off until it’s safe enough for a corporate demo.

FACTIONS & BALANCE

At launch?

Balance was a clown show.

Broken units

Useless abilities

Meta dominated by a handful of strategies

Multiplayer felt like:

“Pick the broken thing or lose.”

Classic Relic launch tradition.

UI & CONTROLS

The UI is awful.

Oversized icons

Mobile-game looking buttons

Menus that feel disconnected

COH2’s UI wasn’t perfect, but at least it respected your intelligence.

COH3’s UI looks like it’s scared you might get confused and sue them.

SOUND DESIGN: WHERE’S THE SOUL?

Company of Heroes used to SOUND incredible.

COH3 sounds… fine.

Gunfire lacks punch.
Explosions lack bass.
Voice lines lack emotion.

There’s no tension.
No chaos.
No immersion.

It’s war presented with the enthusiasm of a training video.

MISSING FEATURES AT LAUNCH

Let’s not forget the classics:

No replays

No observer mode

Missing basic RTS features

You know.
Things that were in previous games.

They sold a sequel that launched with LESS THAN ITS PREDECESSOR.

POST-LAUNCH SUPPORT: DAMAGE CONTROL

After launch it became clear:

This wasn’t a “content roadmap.”
This was a triage plan.

Fixing:

Bugs that shouldn’t exist

Features that should’ve shipped

Balance that was obviously broken

This game didn’t grow.
It caught up.

THE BIGGEST SIN

Company of Heroes 3 feels like it was made by people who studied COH, not people who loved it.

Everything is technically correct.
Nothing is inspired.

It has the shape of Company of Heroes
without the identity.

FINAL VERDICT

Company of Heroes 3 is:

Bland

Underpolished

Missing soul

It’s not awful.
It’s worse.

It’s DISAPPOINTING.

This should’ve been a triumphant return.
Instead, it’s a reminder that:

Sequels don’t fail because they change too much.
They fail because they forget why people cared.

I’d rather:

Go back to COH2’s jank

Deal with its balance nightmares

And endure its bugs

Than play a sequel that feels like a corporate obligation.

COMPANY OF HEROES 3 ISN’T A DISASTER.
IT’S A MISSED OPPORTUNITY WITH A $24 PRICE TAG.